But I Want to Work!

An ex-boyfriend's brother said of me that I would never amount to anything. I was already a mother when he said this so I knew he was talking out of his rear end. But it got me thinking about the way people rate each other and how I rate myself. He meant that I would be unlikely to hold down a job, that I would never make a name for myself in the world of employment. But then again, how many of us actually ever do? Does the best shelf-stacker in the world get publicly commended for their work, or do they melt into obscurity after a brief announcement of recognition from their boss and a minuscule pay rise? Does the architect of the first World Trade Centre get his fame from building the towers or from them having toppled?

I want to become economically active, I want to contribute my family's financial income. I am not in control of my illness enough for it to work outside of the home and I haven't the qualifications to take on many of the stay-at-home jobs on offer. If I am exposed to social situations for long periods of time I crack under the pressure, I become confused and angry, I lose motivation and need constant supervision. One of the therapeutic techniques for overcoming anxieties is exposure, so for the past 12 years I have subjected myself to walking from my house to our local supermarket, interacting with the people that I meet and trying to hold my concentration to get the shopping that I need. I still feel as nervous as I ever did, I still have the same panic attacks as I had 12 years ago, I still forget key items off my shopping list even if I have the written list in front of me. I get home, I have a cigarette, I pour some coffee and work on what little mindfulness training I have managed to forge for myself through years of research to calm back down. Slowly the heart palpitations dissipate, slowly the fog in my mind clears, slowly the dissociation takes me from feeling like I am wading through a lucid dream to high definition reality. Then I have the exhaustion to cope with, I normally just want to take a nap, but my mind is working so quickly with so many thoughts that I cannot find sleep. If I can't cope with basic shopping how am I supposed to cope within an environment of employment?
 
My fiancé works as an adult tutor. I have helped him write a couple of courses in the comfort of our own home. The simple task of finding assessment methods and putting the ideas to paper takes me several hours, numerous coffee and cigarette breaks and a few breakdowns as I can't do what I want to do perfectly and feel like I am letting him down. Either that or I can't understand what he is asking for, no matter how many times I ask and how many different ways he explains it to me he still ends up spending the majority of the time hovering over my shoulder as I ask for validation on almost every word I type. I inevitably end up in tears at some point, call him all the names under the sun and collapse with exhaustion before I have finished, with hours more work left to do that he manages to finish off in an hour or so once he's finished doing the bit he needed to do. The following morning I ask if I actually managed to help, the answer is always yes. It may have taken me 4 hours to do work that would have taken him 2, but in that time I saved him 2 hours of work. He honestly thinks that my diligence and attention to detail makes my work more enriched than anything he would have managed to achieve. My blood sweat and tears are worth it, but in the world of employment, impractical.

I also have an issue with the people who decide whether I am well enough to work or if I am ill enough to qualify for benefits. I present my case, how my illness affects me and those around me, how employment breaks me and I can't even hold down voluntary work for very long unless I only have to do an hour maybe 2 a week. At minimum wage the most I could earn for a salary would be £656.24 per annum. Well that's Christmas and few birthdays paid for...

It would be nice to get some more qualifications, there are distance learning courses to do online and in your own time. I signed up to a free one, an 8 week course of online lectures and just stuff to write up and submit. I didn't get round to it, just looking at the email telling me the new week's lectures were up caused a wave of nauseous anxiety. I have managed to do a few community courses in the last 12 years, one since my diagnosis, qualifying me as a breastfeeding peer supporter. Unfortunately I haven't finished going through the volunteer process because I need my psychiatrist to clear me as able to cope with 4 hours of voluntary work a month. Hang on a minute, I spent two hours in a court room pleading with two professionals that I wasn't capable of work yet and to please make the government pay my national insurance contributions so I don't miss out on the state pension at retirement age, if I live that long!

But I want to work, I don't want to be a benefit scrounger for the rest of my life, I want to stop feeling like an economic failure. Is there no business out there that needs a proof reader for a couple of hours twice a week to send their paperwork to? Is there nowhere that needs someone to admin or moderate a business forum? Does no one want someone who can organise social media advertising for them? I can't organise databases, I can't play with spreadsheets, I have been taught how to use excel and access many times and I still can't do it. I haven't yet played with Photoshop so photo editing isn't a viable option.

Ah well, little madam gets into the community nursery in January so I'll try looking at my options again then. Until then I'll just try and get sufficient content in my blog for AdSense to take me seriously and hope I can generate enough pennies to buy my kids some sweets at the end of the month as a treat for just being them!