Introvertedly Social

I am an introvert. Being around people exhausts me. I need my alone time. And yet I don't. I need to be around people but not physically. I have my social networking sites, I have my voice over internet applications, I have my communications applications on my mobile phone, I'm never far from being able to communicate with people. And yet face-to-face contact drains me. I need to be constantly surrounded by voices other than my own, people I can bounce ideas off, have a laugh with and take my mind of my self-destruction, and yet I need regular breaks.

Social media and messaging systems are ideal, I can talk to many people all at once and take a break when I need it without offending anyone. A quick 'be right back' on Teamspeak, Skype or Ventrilo and I can mute my microphone and know I can do and say what I please with no one to hear me. I can hold multiple conversations across various written and spoken applications and have a varied and active social life, without once having to see another person.

I do challenge my social anxiety, I go to my local supermarket when I know it's going to be busy, I say hello to strangers when I am walking around outside. I pick conversations with other people in line at the checkout. I invariably come away hyper vigilant and exhausted but yet proud of the accomplishment, and hopefully pleased with myself for making someone smile.

I have my family at home, my fiancé, my two youngest children and my cat. I find them tolerable to be around, it doesn't overly stress me all of the time. I can manage a friend or two in my home or theirs, but more than two and I take myself off into a corner and only interact when the overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia that clouds over me breaks for a few seconds. I can feel my body screaming to curl into a foetal ball and protect me from these dangerous numbers of stampeding people. I do manage to attend some social groups, I am a qualified peer supporter and attend a mother to mother group, I take my toddler to a parent and toddler group and I attend meetings of a common interest. I have to have an early night and perhaps a nap afterwards but I do these things.

My main worry is about being economically active. Unless I can find a job where I can be constantly supervised but with only one or two workers in close proximity to me I remain jobless. The issue reared its ugly head while I was working voluntarily for a meagre few hours a week, I just could not manage to calm myself back down after being civil with so many people for extended periods of time. I ended up forgetting things, stumbling, confusing things and eventually screamed and shouted at my fiancé over trivial matters. I quit the job and life settled back to normal. Unfortunately, being as stable as I am with the status quo means getting therapy to get me back into work is very difficult. I am no longer a priority case and my mental health team is small, understaffed and swamped by the ravages of an impoverished area. After a telephone assessment yesterday I may be able to get some mindfulness training which may give me that lift to be able to go back to work successfully. Just watch this space!