I resent your resentment

A part of being me is a whole load of resentments. They range from little things all the way to life changing things. One thing all my resentments have in common is they overwhelm me. We all resent something, be it getting up solely to go to work when the bed is nice and warm and the day is cold, or that our government sees fit to spend our taxes on funding wars in places where we shouldn't have stuck our noses in in the first place. Most people go through their everyday lives giving their resentments very little thought and just air them once in a while with friends over drinks on a Friday evening. 

Some resentments fester, they grow like a tumour of the mind eating away at all the positive thoughts and tainting everyday life. A lot of relationships are destroyed by resentment. Something that was endearing at the beginning of a relationship may become a bone of contention a few years down the line. That little hiccough-burp you thought was so cute grates on your nerves because it happens all the time. The forgotten spoonful of sugar in your cup of tea that you found silly in the beginning becomes annoying when you have taken that first mouthful yet again expecting a taste that never came. Divorces have been granted because the toothpaste tube was squeezed in the wrong manner causing the offended party to become acutely depressed.

Resentments need air time. They need addressing. You have to accept you are resentful of something or someone, ask yourself why you feel resentful and learn to forgive yourself for feeling that way. Feelings are real, they are never stupid, perhaps overwhelming, perhaps different from someone else's in the same situation but never stupid. Your feelings are there for a reason, they tip you off about your current circumstances and whether they are healthy. Some mental ill health conditions can change your perspectives and so your feelings seem inappropriate, or too overwhelming, but those feelings are still a valid representation of you. Always listen to your feelings, always work out which emotions are causing those feelings and then work out why you are experiencing those emotions. Does the situation you are in warrant these feelings or the depths to which you feel them? If so then change your situation, if not then challenge your interpretation, but forgive yourself when you think you are feeling something inappropriately, there is a reason why you feel that way.
 
I have many, many resentments because of my own mental ill health. My biggest resentment is that I work so hard everyday to keep a positive attitude and people can be so negative around me, I then resent having to positive for them too. It's an irrational one in my own opinion. People have a right to speak their negative feelings, to be negative for a little while, I just find it tiring to deal with. If I want to stay positive I have to negate their negativity and it's hard work. I resent having to put in so much effort to make someone feel better just to make sure I don't start feeling bad, but then I feel bad anyway because I feel resentful. 

My resentment is my own just as yours is yours to own. To keep ourselves sane we must let go of our resentments. If they are to do with a relationship and wish for that relationship to continue we must find a way to forgive ourselves of our resentments and work on how to not feel resentful of certain things. Is it something the other person need to change, would that be a reasonable request? Is it something we need to change our perspective on? Are we seeing the situation with empathy and understanding of the other person? Are we asking too much of ourselves or the other person? If you don't see the relationship surviving don't wait for the resentments to make you bitter, move on.


 

But I Want to Work!

An ex-boyfriend's brother said of me that I would never amount to anything. I was already a mother when he said this so I knew he was talking out of his rear end. But it got me thinking about the way people rate each other and how I rate myself. He meant that I would be unlikely to hold down a job, that I would never make a name for myself in the world of employment. But then again, how many of us actually ever do? Does the best shelf-stacker in the world get publicly commended for their work, or do they melt into obscurity after a brief announcement of recognition from their boss and a minuscule pay rise? Does the architect of the first World Trade Centre get his fame from building the towers or from them having toppled?

I want to become economically active, I want to contribute my family's financial income. I am not in control of my illness enough for it to work outside of the home and I haven't the qualifications to take on many of the stay-at-home jobs on offer. If I am exposed to social situations for long periods of time I crack under the pressure, I become confused and angry, I lose motivation and need constant supervision. One of the therapeutic techniques for overcoming anxieties is exposure, so for the past 12 years I have subjected myself to walking from my house to our local supermarket, interacting with the people that I meet and trying to hold my concentration to get the shopping that I need. I still feel as nervous as I ever did, I still have the same panic attacks as I had 12 years ago, I still forget key items off my shopping list even if I have the written list in front of me. I get home, I have a cigarette, I pour some coffee and work on what little mindfulness training I have managed to forge for myself through years of research to calm back down. Slowly the heart palpitations dissipate, slowly the fog in my mind clears, slowly the dissociation takes me from feeling like I am wading through a lucid dream to high definition reality. Then I have the exhaustion to cope with, I normally just want to take a nap, but my mind is working so quickly with so many thoughts that I cannot find sleep. If I can't cope with basic shopping how am I supposed to cope within an environment of employment?
 
My fiancé works as an adult tutor. I have helped him write a couple of courses in the comfort of our own home. The simple task of finding assessment methods and putting the ideas to paper takes me several hours, numerous coffee and cigarette breaks and a few breakdowns as I can't do what I want to do perfectly and feel like I am letting him down. Either that or I can't understand what he is asking for, no matter how many times I ask and how many different ways he explains it to me he still ends up spending the majority of the time hovering over my shoulder as I ask for validation on almost every word I type. I inevitably end up in tears at some point, call him all the names under the sun and collapse with exhaustion before I have finished, with hours more work left to do that he manages to finish off in an hour or so once he's finished doing the bit he needed to do. The following morning I ask if I actually managed to help, the answer is always yes. It may have taken me 4 hours to do work that would have taken him 2, but in that time I saved him 2 hours of work. He honestly thinks that my diligence and attention to detail makes my work more enriched than anything he would have managed to achieve. My blood sweat and tears are worth it, but in the world of employment, impractical.

I also have an issue with the people who decide whether I am well enough to work or if I am ill enough to qualify for benefits. I present my case, how my illness affects me and those around me, how employment breaks me and I can't even hold down voluntary work for very long unless I only have to do an hour maybe 2 a week. At minimum wage the most I could earn for a salary would be £656.24 per annum. Well that's Christmas and few birthdays paid for...

It would be nice to get some more qualifications, there are distance learning courses to do online and in your own time. I signed up to a free one, an 8 week course of online lectures and just stuff to write up and submit. I didn't get round to it, just looking at the email telling me the new week's lectures were up caused a wave of nauseous anxiety. I have managed to do a few community courses in the last 12 years, one since my diagnosis, qualifying me as a breastfeeding peer supporter. Unfortunately I haven't finished going through the volunteer process because I need my psychiatrist to clear me as able to cope with 4 hours of voluntary work a month. Hang on a minute, I spent two hours in a court room pleading with two professionals that I wasn't capable of work yet and to please make the government pay my national insurance contributions so I don't miss out on the state pension at retirement age, if I live that long!

But I want to work, I don't want to be a benefit scrounger for the rest of my life, I want to stop feeling like an economic failure. Is there no business out there that needs a proof reader for a couple of hours twice a week to send their paperwork to? Is there nowhere that needs someone to admin or moderate a business forum? Does no one want someone who can organise social media advertising for them? I can't organise databases, I can't play with spreadsheets, I have been taught how to use excel and access many times and I still can't do it. I haven't yet played with Photoshop so photo editing isn't a viable option.

Ah well, little madam gets into the community nursery in January so I'll try looking at my options again then. Until then I'll just try and get sufficient content in my blog for AdSense to take me seriously and hope I can generate enough pennies to buy my kids some sweets at the end of the month as a treat for just being them!

All Quiet on the Borderline

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and I hate it! I got the diagnosis 7 years ago amid one of the worst times in my life. The diagnosis gave me a lot of relief, I wasn't just going mad, I had a real illness that could be controlled, with help. I was started on medication and put on the waiting list for therapy and so my journey to recovery began. I started seeing a clinical psychologist who worked on my schemas, she helped me learn to rationalise and put things in perspective. We drew up a timeline and explored my core beliefs, I didn't even think I had those hidden depths! I moved on then to have a Community Psychiatric nurse who came to see me at home, we didn't really do much therapying, more exploring my thoughts and feelings in a real world setting. I got mental health support workers who'd drop in to my home to see me, offer some motivation and keep a track record of my ups and downs so that I could be monitored for an upcoming major crisis or depression. I now have a Recovery Nurse that comes to see me every month and two support workers who alternate each week once a week. I did attend an Anxiety Management course during the later stages of my 4th pregnancy, and to be really honest, it was a load of crap, I knew more about anxiety management than the person holding the course!

So here I am, 7 years later, living with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed with Dyscalculia (numerical Dyslexia) and Dyspraxia (co-ordination processing disorder) when I was 17 and failing my first year of A-levels for the second time. As an Introverted person I suffer from extreme Social Anxiety that I can't control at times. I also have an unofficial diagnosis of Auditory Processing Disorder to go along with my poor hearing. Oh yes, and I have osteoarthritis. Basically I'm falling apart both mentally and physically. But it's OK, I'm still here and my children and fiancé love me, I have a mum and dad that are proud of me, a little sister who doesn't need me any more because she's all grown up and trusts us to be OK a few thousand miles apart, we actually found our way back to each other just before she left for the States, it's all good. I have a Grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins just a phone call or a social media message away. I have made friends! I have discovered friends I made in school who still think I'm alright, who always thought I was alright. I have even become close acquaintances with people who thought I was decidedly odd in school.

One of my stumbling blocks to recovery is this damned intelligence I have. Academically speaking I am highly intelligent. I can learn almost anything and apply it to everyday life, my common sense is a bit of a let down, I seem to have the creativity of an amoeba that suddenly flares to that of super nova intensity for all of a few minutes and then exhausts me. I don't know what motivation is other than a chore... But I know it all, there are days I wish for ignorance, not knowing would hurt so much less. Not understanding would motivate me because it wouldn't seem so god-damned hopeless. Knowing that some of my illness is physiological and that no amount of therapy or medication will rewire my brain is frustrating to the extreme. 

As a Borderline I have a screwy Hippocampal to Amygdala communication. I am constantly in Fight, Flight, Flock and Freeze mode, did you know you can manage to combine a few of those in one go in a crisis!? Every emotion I have is extreme, I don't know what mild embarrassment feels like I go immediately to shame and humiliation. And then I can't calm down. Some one recently compared a Borderline to an old fashioned whistling kettle you boil on a burner. It whistles when it boils so you take it off the heat but the whistling doesn't cease for a while afterwards. Many Borderlines self-harm to release those overwhelming feelings. This is something I used to do by cutting myself just a little. And then I realised I could make everything stop if I cut deeper and that's when the suicide attempts started. These were not cries for attention or help, just wanting it to stop, to go away!

These days I just muddle on through the best I can. I have a wonderful fiancé who understands that it's hard for me to even get out of bed. It's not that he's not good enough for me, it's not that his love and patience can't break through the veil of stress and depression. It can and does or I wouldn't get out of bed, but for the need to look after the children. He takes those metaphorical steps backward from my tantrums, sees through to the core of the rage, it's not the personal stuff that's spewing out of my mouth, it's the emotional stew boiling over my too small pot. He's not superman, he gets hurt by what I do and say from time to time, he argues back and steps over the threshold of my stress tolerance level making me go bang. But he's still here, he's still right beside me fighting for my recovery, whatever that means. The man deserves a medal, hell he deserves and OBE! And me? Well my next step is some Mindfulness training. I will always have to contend with the overwhelming feelings and emotions, I will always have to bite my tongue, I will always have to force myself to think positively, so I will always be exhausted. But life is worth it now. I know I have friends and family that would miss me if I wasn't here. I have accumulated vast amounts of knowledge in certain areas that I can impart for the betterment of others. I have training that can make a difference in other people's lives and I have the opportunity to use it. I have people that are proud enough of me to make me proud of myself. I have a decent network of very strange people that make me feel normal. Together we'll all make it through our own personal struggles that we face every day. All I can say to those of you helping me through mine is thank you, I appreciate you, crappy song swaps and all, OK, Ke$ha's not too bad! Give yourselves all a big virtual hug from me and remember I'll be here for you too.

The Law of Theorising Hypotheses

Hypotheses - These are at best educated guesses based on observation. Out of a thousand glasses of water you may find they all taste the same and so you come to the conclusion that all water everywhere tastes the same. The first glass of the second thousand comes from a different source and actually tastes different from the first thousand. You may now conclude that water from different sources taste differently. A Hypothesis can be proven incorrect but not evidenced as correct.

 Theories - Through exploring one hypothesis or a number of hypotheses the weight of evidence may seem to point in one direction. Hypothesis 1 says water tastes the same. Hypothesis 2 says that water tastes differently from different sources. Hypothesis 3 says water seems to taste the same in some places and different in others. During experimentation it is determined that hypothesis 3 is closer to what is observed and therefore it is theorised that in x amount of places water tastes the same but there is a y variable that means water tastes differently in other places. A theory can be proven to be true or false through experimentation.

Laws - These are mathematical proofs that are irrefutable. An example is Joule's first law:
 
A quantitative form of Joule’s law is that the heat evolved per second, or the electric power loss, P, equals the current I squared times the resistance R, or P = I²R. The power P has units of watts, or joules per second, when the current is expressed in amperes and the resistance in ohms.                                                                
                                                                           (Explanation courtesy of Encyclopaedia Britannica)

This is how water is heated in a kettle.


Hypotheses and theories seem to be very similar. They are both sets of ideas that can be tested and proved. They differ because hypotheses are of the maybe perhaps variety, "if I do this I think this ought to happen". Theories are groups of hypotheses that have been tested and proven to be true to the best of the evidence so far collected. "I have observed this to be true so it so it should be true each time".

Science is not about being totally correct all of the time. New observations and experiments prove and disprove theories. Laws are universal truths. Hypotheses are just ideas based on observation. 

When I am asked about faith I have a very hard time explaining my standpoint. I have a scientific mind, I have ideas, I have postulations and I have fact and evidence. I am governed by the same laws as everyone else that have been proven without a doubt to be true. I can only say I believe to be true that which has been evidenced to be true to the best of my knowledge. I spend a vast majority of my time researching the things that I am interested in so that I may know the truths of those things. I do not believe the Earth is round, I know it to be so from the evidence I have had access to. I don't just take it on faith, I don't just hear 'experts' tell me this is so and take that as a given. I look at the images from cameras outside of Earth's atmosphere, I observe the curvature of the local horizon and observe the same curvature in every location I am in.

I also cannot knock faith as my scientific mind tells me that the possibility remains even if the evidence isn't yet there. Occum's Razor says "when you have two competing theories that make exactly the same predictions, the simpler one is the better." He also said that "God's existence cannot be deduced by reason alone." Most scientists live by the first, in fact
Einstein's equations for transforming spacetime are the same as Lorentz's equations for transforming rulers and clocks, but Einstein and Poincaré recognised that the ether could not be detected according to the equations of Lorentz and Maxwell. So by using Occam's razor the ether had to be eliminated. We have since performed experiments that were impossible in Einstein's time that prove the ether does not exist.

I personally don't have faith or beliefs, I observe the world around me and know what I know or that I have more to find out. The only absolutes I adhere to are unequivocally proven. There are too many variables in life fore everything to be absolute truths, my opinion is that it would be naïve of me to trust that I would get the same outcome every time I do the same thing. To an extent it is true that I would get the same result each time, but if any of the variables change then so will the outcome, and variables can change so subtly in the macroscopic world that the difference in outcome may be insignificant and go unnoticed. All in all the world we live in is variable and inconsistent, anything that asks me to take it on faith that it is unwavering falls out of favour with me. I far prefer the inconsistencies and errors that the scientific method offers.

Introvertedly Social

I am an introvert. Being around people exhausts me. I need my alone time. And yet I don't. I need to be around people but not physically. I have my social networking sites, I have my voice over internet applications, I have my communications applications on my mobile phone, I'm never far from being able to communicate with people. And yet face-to-face contact drains me. I need to be constantly surrounded by voices other than my own, people I can bounce ideas off, have a laugh with and take my mind of my self-destruction, and yet I need regular breaks.

Social media and messaging systems are ideal, I can talk to many people all at once and take a break when I need it without offending anyone. A quick 'be right back' on Teamspeak, Skype or Ventrilo and I can mute my microphone and know I can do and say what I please with no one to hear me. I can hold multiple conversations across various written and spoken applications and have a varied and active social life, without once having to see another person.

I do challenge my social anxiety, I go to my local supermarket when I know it's going to be busy, I say hello to strangers when I am walking around outside. I pick conversations with other people in line at the checkout. I invariably come away hyper vigilant and exhausted but yet proud of the accomplishment, and hopefully pleased with myself for making someone smile.

I have my family at home, my fiancé, my two youngest children and my cat. I find them tolerable to be around, it doesn't overly stress me all of the time. I can manage a friend or two in my home or theirs, but more than two and I take myself off into a corner and only interact when the overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia that clouds over me breaks for a few seconds. I can feel my body screaming to curl into a foetal ball and protect me from these dangerous numbers of stampeding people. I do manage to attend some social groups, I am a qualified peer supporter and attend a mother to mother group, I take my toddler to a parent and toddler group and I attend meetings of a common interest. I have to have an early night and perhaps a nap afterwards but I do these things.

My main worry is about being economically active. Unless I can find a job where I can be constantly supervised but with only one or two workers in close proximity to me I remain jobless. The issue reared its ugly head while I was working voluntarily for a meagre few hours a week, I just could not manage to calm myself back down after being civil with so many people for extended periods of time. I ended up forgetting things, stumbling, confusing things and eventually screamed and shouted at my fiancé over trivial matters. I quit the job and life settled back to normal. Unfortunately, being as stable as I am with the status quo means getting therapy to get me back into work is very difficult. I am no longer a priority case and my mental health team is small, understaffed and swamped by the ravages of an impoverished area. After a telephone assessment yesterday I may be able to get some mindfulness training which may give me that lift to be able to go back to work successfully. Just watch this space!

Judgemental Opinions

o·pin·ion [uh-pin-yuh-n] 

noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

3. the formal expression of a professional judgment: to ask for a second medical opinion.

4. Law. the formal statement by a judge or court of the reasoning and the principles of law used in reaching a decision of a case.

5. a judgment or estimate of a person or thing with respect to character, merit, etc.: to forfeit someone's good opinion.

judg·ment [juhj-muh-nt] 

noun

1. an act or instance of judging.

2. the ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.

3. the demonstration or exercise of such ability or capacity: The major was decorated for the judgment he showed under fire.

4. the forming of an opinion, estimate, notion, or conclusion, as from circumstances presented to the mind: Our judgment as to the cause of his failure must rest on the evidence.

5. the opinion formed: He regretted his hasty judgment.

(Definitions courtesy of http://dictionary.reference.com/ ) 

Both opinions and judgements seem to be highly personal and subjective. Opinions are based more on our feelings and judgements on weight of available evidence. So when we make a judgement call on a person are we really judging them or are we forming an opinion? We can't really form a judgement until we know about a person and can take into consideration all that has happened to that person. If I meet someone and take an instant dislike to them I cannot say I have judged them to be unlikable only that I have that opinion of them.

My fiancé and I have multiple debates in a day, I argue from a standpoint of what the facts are telling me and he argues from how they make him feel. These debates are always charged with emotion because I have an emotional disorder and become hypersensitive when feeling invalidated. If the facts are there then my point of view should be validated shouldn't they? But as his side of the debate shows, facts can be open to perspective interpretation. Judgement versus opinion, both subjective, both from perceived evidence, both just as valid. We tend to have successful relationships with people who can empathise with our opinions and who form similar judgements on the weight of evidence provided. 

Our main arguments happen over topics that I am passionate about. I research like a madman when I want to know more about something that interests me. I become obsessive and single minded. My fiancé is my earth, he dissipates my wayward charge when I'm straying from the point. I argue, I throw facts around like armour-piercing rounds, anything to make his opinion fit my judgement. I forget empathy, I only focus. I close my mind becoming blinkered to anything other than my perception. After a good round I walk away frazzled, take some time out and come back with an apology and my mind more open. From then on we can refine our understanding of the facts from different view points. Sometimes the evidence actually changes meaning after one of these debates. Off we go to our own parts of our lives together and I research further, down a new path, that now makes more sense.

Next time someone says you are being judgemental ask them if that is their opinion. Are they sure you have formed a judgement? Have you honestly had enough evidence to judge or is it just an opinion?

 

Education in Good Faith

What do you do if your only local catchment area Primary School is a Faith school and you don't practice that faith or denomination? The education Act 1944 states that if admission applications out number places in a faith school, places can be determined by whether the child or the child's parents practice the faith followed by the school. What happens to a child from a non-religious family who has applied to an overburdened faith school, because that's the only one their parents can take them to? That child will be forced to go to a school outside of the catchment area and a child of the correct faith following family who have the ability to get to a more distant school gets a place. Children are legally required to be attending full-time education from the age of 5 years. If a 5 year old cannot get into a faith school, cannot travel to a more distant school and their parents cannot home school as they work full time, the parents will be prosecuted for educational negligence. The rejecting school takes no responsibility and are not obliged to take the more unfortunate if they do not practice the faith of that school.

Only 7.4% adults in England go to church on an average Sunday (Religious Trends, 2002-2003) and yet a third of all schools are faith schools with a quarter of children in education in attendance. A report of the Education and Skills Select Committee in May 2003, based on evidence from numerous experts, stated: “In practice parents have found that the reality of school diversity and choice can act to limit rather than expand their options for their children’s education.” And in 2005, the Select Committee found that: ”In oversubscribed schools, the satisfaction of one person’s choice necessarily denies that of another.” A plethora of different kinds of school – specialist, trust, faith-based (some of them specialist), and academies (some of them faith-based) – will not necessarily increase choice or raise standards. In 2005 96% of New Statesman readers thought that Tony Blair should end his support for faith schools. Religious schools are specifically exempt from the equality law which says that no one should be discriminated against because of their religion – allowing them, in some circumstances, to give preference to children (and staff) from the relevant faith.

What of celebrations and holidays that have their roots in religions that differ from that of a faith school's? Hallowe'en, for example, is the chosen date where the veil between the living and the dead is deemed its weakest by Pagans. Samhain is a feast of the dead celebrated between sunset on the 31st October through to sunset on 1st November. Then follows the "Time Which is No Time" culminating in the Yule feast, also known to Christians as Christmas day. In a Christian faith school it isn't unheard of for pupils to be told not to mention Hallowe'en. This is a very publicly celebrated commercial holiday. It is in contradiction to article 12 of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child and article 10 of the UN Human Rights Convention to do with freedom of speech and expression. Is it acceptable for a Christian child in a non-Christian faith school to mention Christian holidays? It should be acceptable for children of all ethnic backgrounds to discuss their holidays in any school, especially if the only school they are practically able to attend is a faith school that isn't of their choice.